Captains log: day 2ā¦ starting again
Logging about a new job with complications. Iāve been in ānoticeā mode. Just notice things. No judgment. No criticism. Just notice. The last three jobs Iāve had, Iāve had to quit due to it triggering autoimmunity and migraines (my doc thinks) not sure about the migrain condition yet but my head! Oy!! And affects my entire body. The harder I work, the longer my recovery time, and the more sever the symptoms with each passing day. I worked one day for about 5 hours. I got home and sat for a moment so I could simply pull myself into my body and ānoticeā. It was my whooshing head that surfaced first, then the neck and face pain, my body felt lethargic and jello like. Mind you, I exercise every day, so I know this is NOT about my physical capacity. No! Im not going to adjust or get used to it, as Iām often told. This has been happening for the last five years or so. The more I push through, the grit my teeth and bare it, the worse I get. My intestines flair up, my joints stop working, my mobility diminishes and my mind just buzzes. And thenā¦. I get sick and am down for weeks. This is the pattern. I feel so so alone with this because everyone Iām around believes Iām just being āsensitiveā but these body changes are well documented with actual medical imagining that proves that āsomethingā is happening. Itās the head pain that crushes me worst of all. It makes it impossible to be around other humans. I had finally relieved these migrains but it meant NOT working at all yet. When my focus can be on the home and child raising tasks, It was perfect. I began healing and felt it. I then Got bombarded with medical and psych for myself and daughter. I would be ok if I was aloud to just get through all the appointments and find methods that work for me. Instead, I took on a physically, demanding job that adds to the problem. When I lived with others, and shared household tasks, even then, I couldnāt handle both working and helping to manage her household. Iām reaching the point of throwing in the towel on this all. I need the money, yes. But my quality of life goes down the tubes because Iām no heard and am forced to take on way more than Iām neurologically capable of handling. I really feel strongly that the neurological aspects are triggering the physical conditions. Just soo frustrating. And of course, when youāre talking about auto immune diseases. The harder you push, the worse off you are. So a 15 minute walk can put me in bed instead of rejuvenating me I can tell you, I often feel heartbroken because Iāve just been accused of being lazy and lying about what Iām going through. Iāve just stopped talking about it with anybody that matters. I literally have one single friend who understands and then, of course, my daughter does because sheās got her own chronic pain condition that she has suffered with for three years nowš how am I going to offer her solutions if I cannot figure out what is wrong or how to fix it with me. My only goal in this life is to pass along a solution for my children. Iām so sick of being told how selfish I am when everything Iāve ever done has only been done to offer answers to my family members. Seriously, as a child I remember being asked āwhat is wrong with youā all the time and now that I am constantly searching, I am reminded about how selfish I am. Honestly, I just canāt anymore.
No entries yet
