I’ve never had a Facebook account. I enjoy social media—a constant feed of cool art, pet pics, and content from authors I enjoy—but I don’t attach my True Name to online dealings. I’m old-school like that. The internet is meant to be a world apart. Facebook is all about real-world connections and I wanted no part of it.

But there’s an LMA Facebook group where people post their art. When a new project drops, lots of people post their own renditions, and I thought it would be neat to see a bunch of artists’ takes on the same subject. Also, sometimes Sarah posts her work exclusively in the group. After months of hearing the group hyped in various videos, I decided I wanted in.

So I made a Facebook account under a pseudonym. Facebook immediately suggested a whole bunch of people to follow/friend. The #1 suggestion was Lopen. wtf?? creepy?? How does it know?? Anyway I ignored all that and submitted an application to the LMA group, hoping I didn’t look too suspicious/bot-like for being a brand new account. I posted a few samples of my own watercolors to boost my Genuine Artist Cred. It worked; a day later I was accepted into the group.

The day after that, my Facebook account got suspended. Apparently Facebook itself thought I was suspicious. They required me to get the app and record a video selfie of my face to restore access to my account. wtf??? I knew this site was garbage. (But a small voice in the back of my head said, c’mon, it’s “face” book, it’s incredibly on brand, you can’t be too mad…) So I downloaded the app, which is also a piece of garbage because it immediately bricked. I googled the issue—it seems to be a frequent problem—and fixed it by clearing cache + force stopping the app + restarting my phone. Then I gave them their goddamn video selfie and an hour later they un-suspended my account. old-man-yells-at-cloud.gif

Hopefully that’s the last hoop to jump through. I’m looking forward to Watercolor Wednesday.