HELLLLOOOOOOO!!!! so why am i so excited? life has been going good (with a few drama filled hiccups yes) i've been hving a great time lately and wanted to write it out somewhere, so here i come!
First off i am in such a good mood today and even tho my time of the month just started i got no cramps and that in itself is such a big thing for me cause usually i am crying curled up in bed with 3 meds on my first day. And i composed something quick for myself today, a lil guitar song. had my piano class so was filled with creativity and gosh i love it so much i am so happy at how it turned out. i also finally sent bf the song i had made for him. on that front there is a bit of a hiccup. anyways i did a bit of decorating stuff recently too and i am so excited with how my space is coming along! i love it. I have also been consistent with my walks lately and today i did almost 3k steps, yesterday it was 1.5k steps. i really wish it get's my bloating down and help me lose some weight.
BF'S BIRTHDAY HICCUP
so basically i was all excited to go all out for my bf right. we have a 4:30 hr difference. so when it hit 12 for him it's 4:30 am for me. I made some excuses and told my parents im staying up to work. actually did end up studying for an hour, then gaming, had a lil scrolling session too, also texted a friend of mine whose time zone is also different than mine. so basically i had made bf a 2 part gift. one part had a 2 love letters, one fancy and one heartfelt raw and unedited, along with a raw vid message. the second part had 2 edited pics of him, 2 poems i wrote for him, and i made the song separately. he had to solve this cute lil question i had put in the first part with a poem of the second part for that, kinda like a passkey thing (ik ik cringe with how much of try hard i am) and stayed up for him right. at 4:15 am i text him if he is still up, he had gone to take a nap he had told me. i texted him in between as well like every hour giving him updates on what i was doing. he didn't respond and i didn't mind. but as it got close to 4:30 am i was starting to be a little hurt (ik it's his birthday and his surprise but for some reason him not being there made me cry too, yes im a cry baby) and at 5 am i gave up and went to sleep hurt over it.
in the morning i woke up to his texts, he had woken up around 6 am and texted me that he overslept, he had promised me tho that he'll be there, i was still sad about that but didn't text him abt it not wanting to ruin his mood and just sent him the first part of my gift before going to school on literally 2 hours of sleep (my bus timing it 8:30 am so i have to wake up at 7 am) and OH MY FUCKING GOD I WANTED TO SO BAD JUST SLEEP I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I DID THE WHOLE DAY. anyways came back home and checked his texts the first things (bc ofc he's all i have in terms of emotional outlet with busy parents who mostly aren't that affectionate for my loud type of love) and he had texted me just that "mhm baby i love it , send me the next one" (and yes i am about to cry even now tying this cause i am still fucking hurt over this) send the next one? that's it? i spent so much time, so much efforts and thoughts into making something for him and hoping he'll like it, i invest so much in him emotionally and he didn't even say anything about it except saying he loves it, i expected something more like maybe a "thank you baby" or "it made me so happy", i wanted to feel his excitement, feel like i do make him feel happy, but no.
i cried fo 45 minutes, sent him another happy sounding text asking if he ate, how his morning went, and sending him the 2nd part before sleeping the whole day. didn't have lunch (couldn't think of eating after this) skipped dinner, slept from 3 pm till 8pm and then too went to bed at 10 pm hoping if i just slept and didn't let myself feel it the hurt would go away. i didn't want to ruin his day being a needy bitch that i am but still when i laid in bed i kept thinking about him and i missed him and kept crying like a fucking weak ass. so i texted him after crying an hour in pillow at 11pm roughly (ik bc i have read that convo like 20 times by now) i tried to explain it to him and told him i felt a little hurt he didn't text me that much that day, didn't pin the texts of that links and gifts like he usually does, and he didn't understand what more i needed, he told me he loved it and thought that was enough and i just gave up on trying to explain it to him cause it just hurt (and i am too weak, i can't fathom the thought of upsetting him anyhow bc im scared he'll not tolerate me anymore and just leave, yes ik im stupid) but then just laid in bed feeling empty for who knows how long, cried a few more times, and finally fell asleep. i've been acting okay and just trying to forget it all, but it still hurts a little, like a rejection of all i put into his birthday. i did too much maybe.
FOR NOW BC I TYPED THAT WHOLE BF THING I AM MENTALLY EXHAUSTED, GONNA TRY TO JOURNAL TOMORROW TOO, THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FREE THERAPY HONESTLY MUWAH! BYEE GOOD NIGHT / HAVE A GREAT DAY
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