So first off the thing that's pissing me off the most rn. so i am going through exams and stuff right, and my bf and i aren't talking much. im the more chatty one of us, it's clear from how long my entries are but back to story. So i text him when i am free, he replies and to one of my texts replies with an emoji of a server. he has nitro on discord so he can do that. so he does and i check from which server the emojis is from, and guess what i see.
LOVE PARADISE,
THAT IS A FUCKING DATING SERVER, AND EVEN IF IT ISN'T ANYMORE IT USED TO BE! HOW DO IK? I MET MY EX-BF THERE! SO HE IS ON LOVE PARADISE FOR SOME REASON! AND I AM SO PISSED AT THIS POINT I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO STOP THE CAPS UNTIL THIS IS OVER. I GO OVER TO MY ALT ACCOUNT ABT WHICH HE DOESNT KNOW, GO AND JOIN LOVE PARADISE AND CHECK HIS SENT TEXTS. THANKFULLY HE'S JUST LOOKING FOR FRIEND BUT STILL, IT IS TRIPPING ME OFF SO MUCH. LIKE I HAVE A WHOLE SECTION OF MY PROFILE BASICALLY ANNOUNCING YEA I HAVE A BF AND I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP RN. HE HAS NOTHING LIKE THAT, 2 ACCOUNTS OF WHICH IK,HE TOLD ME ABT THE TWO, BUT STILL HE HAS NOTHING STOPPING HIM FROM GETTING ANOTHER GIRL AND I AM SO SCARED AND MAD AND SAD AND OH FUCKING GOOOOODDDDDDDDDD! I DO WANNA TRUST HIM, HE'S THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME ALL YEAR, HE IMPROVED ME, MOTIVATED ME AND HE'S PERFECT......
i don't understand why he even settles for me. and i hate feeling so ungrateful for his love whenever my past trust issues pop right back up due to stuff like this. but i do feel this way and i can't help it. i am not perfect and nothing near what he deserves but i still want him and it hurts so bad rn idk what to think or do or speak or how to even bring this up to him. what am i supposed to say even? "hey ik it's been months of you trying and showing up but bc you sent one emoji which told me you are in this server i feel shit and all of that work you did is down the drain" ???? i just wanna cry but i can't even process it all to cry abt it. it a fucking mess in there. i love this guy, and not the "love" that is just 2 people being in constant contact and riding the high of the romantic phase. we've had ugly fights and misunderstandings and he stayed for me made me believe and now bc of this one little thing i feel like ill fuck it all up. If i bring it up im scared this will be the final snap for him, i mean the list is long of things i am imperfect in, not pretty, got pretty hurt over his ex, got trust issues twice, got kicked out of the common server we were on bc my rant had some nsfw swearing and due to some duchebag liar out there i almost lost this relationship. there are so many ways i've fucked up. i feel like i'll be fucking this up if i talk to him abt this. and if i don't bring this up i am def gonna be weird i fear that will also ruin this. i am so fucking scared rn but idk what to do like what the hell are you even supposed to feel here? i feel like im blowing an emoji out of proportion sometimes but then seconds later i feel justified and then some more seconds later it doesn't matter im just hurt.
someone tell me what the fuck to do. i don't know anymore. we are in a long distance. i've trusted someone with my heart after so much fear and pain. im just 16. i don't know what to feel or do. but ik i can't take this for long. it hurts. fucking lot.
idk if i should think abt the other stuff too rn, it's draining to just get this out of my system. i think when im more mentally not-exhausted i'll do those but for today this is enough.
You are not being ungrateful, you are a human being and it is valid for you to feel how you feel about it. If he is truly supportive of you, you should talk to him about it. Ask him for reassurance that you are important to him. I know my brain sometimes needs to be reminded, even when I know someone loves me it helps to hear them say it. So maybe that would be helpful to have a conversation with him about this?
Remember, he if truly loves you he is not settling for you. He chose you because he loves you and wants to be around you. I don't know either of you that well so I can't give good advice really, but however you are feeling about it is valid and remember to be patient with yourself if you can. I know it isn't easy, but you are human. You can't be perfect, no one is perfect.
I hope you are able to get this figured out! I am sorry that you have been going through all of this.
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